Time

"They say when your about to die your whole life flashes before your eyes... Everything you were... everything you ever experienced. These scars are memories...symbols of who I am... What I've gone through. Sometimes I just look at them...just think about it... About how many years of bull life has put me through... How many times my heart has been broken... How many things I miss....... And then I realize... If I keep thinking about what I miss...I might never get it back."


I still wonder how it all started...maybe it was the Sunday evening...or maybe the beach...or maybe that September night!!! Aah...how does it matter anyways...the thing is that, it happened...and somewhere it has changed a little part of my soul...whether it is for better or worst i don't know...i can just wonder...i can just try to make it better...

The thing is that now matter how many times you are broken...the world doesn't stop to fix you...its your duty to puff up your chest and fight the odds...and i guess its time...time to understand what i do and why i do it...time to get up once again...time to move ahead...time to win back things...as i have realized...that if I keep thinking about what I miss...I might never get it back

PANDORA BOX

Sometimes I wonder what if I had not opened the Pandora box…what if I had not let the demons out of their devil kingdom…would things have been different!!! Would I have been happier!! I don’t know…confrontation with the truth has always been difficult for me…I try to avoid it….I try to create my own delusional world where I see reality the way I want it to be…kind of a looser theory but it works…at least it keeps me happy…the question is “for how long”… “Someone” (ahem..ahem!!) recently told me to follow the light of God and I’ll reach where ever I want…now I don’t know what that means…She also told me that I had a far greater destiny to fulfill…some astrology crap, which I don’t believe in…but there’s one thing she told that I remember… ‘Stop chasing…and maybe you’ll find what you need’…cool isn’t it!!! But one thing is for sure that facing the truth sucks…it sucks big time… ignorance is bliss and I want to remain ignorant for the rest of my life. Period.

P.S: clearly off topic, but I recently read somewhere that scientists are close to discovering a wormhole, the tunnel to the alternate universe. Maybe in that universe I have all that I wish for.

Woods of Dream

Beyond the blue mountains….

and murky clouds…

far away from the infected land…

and deep into the woods of my dream…

I call out your name…once again…

I whine for you…

I cry for you…

For we shall never be together again…

And I’ll die a lonely life…

Deep into the woods of my dream

P.S: sometimes i just hate the emotional me :/

Does God play dice!!!

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road."
--Stephen Hawking

yes, I am back to the age old question that keeps daunting on me..."Free will versus Determinism"...so, is everything predetermined or do we have some kind of free will...I certainly am not a determinist...but I do have some faith in destiny... Sir Issac Newton who is considered the greatest physicist of all time was a determinist... he believed that all our actions are predetermined and we can do nothing to alter it... but according to Dr. Michio Kaku, co-founder of the string theory, reality is somewhat different...he believes that there is some free will in what we do...Newtonian Determinism says that the universe is a clock, a gigantic clock that’s wound up in the beginning of time and has been ticking ever since according to Newton’s laws of motion… So what you’re going to eat 10 years from now on January 1st has already been fixed… It’s already known using Newton’s laws of motion… Einstein believed in that... Einstein was a determinist…

Heisenberg then comes along and proposes the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and says: “Nonsense. There is uncertainty... You don’t know where the electron is… It could be here, here or many places simultaneously.”...This of course Einstein hated because he said God doesn’t play dice with the universe… Well hey, get used to it… Einstein was wrong… God does play dice… Every time we look at an electron it moves… There is uncertainty with regards to the position of the electron…

So what does that mean for free will? It means in some sense we do have some kind of free will… No one can determine your future events given your past history… There is always the wildcard… There is always the possibility of uncertainty in whatever we do…

So when I look at myself in a mirror I say to myself what I'm looking at is not really me… It looks like me, but it’s not really me at all… It’s not me today now... It’s me a billionth of a second ago because it takes a billionth of a second for light to go from me to the mirror and back…Weird but true…

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just wanna believe a person, even when you know that the person is not as genuine as he/she is pretending to be...

Sometimes you just pretend to be ignorant, even when you know that the person, you trust, is lying straight into your face...

Sometimes you just pretend to be stupid, coz the person thinks he/she is smarter than you...

Sometimes you just wanna believe a story, even when you know that its just a "story"...

Sometimes you just give up everything for a person, even when you know that you are not gonna get anything in return...

Sometimes you just keep running, even when you know you are gonna finish last...

Sometimes you just keep smiling, even when you want to cry hard...

Sometimes you just keep believing, even when you know things are not going your way...

SOMETIMES....

People may think you are stupid...people may lie into your face...people may pretend to be angels...people may laugh at your back...people may take you for granted...but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...not because expect a favour in return...sometimes you act because you need to act

Toll of the Recess Bell

"How tired I am of this unbearable distance between us

How I long for the toll of the recess bell

Have you forgotten me?

Grown mindless of me?

Tell me I am not writing into an abyss

Or that is what will become of my heart…"

to LIVE or not to LIVE

She: “sometimes I think I don’t even know you…sometimes you seem like this totally different guy I don’t even know…there are times I see you smiling and laughing…throwing up random comments…mixed with your brilliant, at times weird,  sense of humor…laughing more to yourself than anyone else… “backchodi”…I guess this is what you call it in your Delhi’s language…right!!! and the very next moment…you are gone…you are quiet…suddenly you’ve become someone else…thinking profoundly about, I don’t know what…in brown study...all that recklessness and humor is gone…sometimes I think you are not living life…you are just spending it…”

***brief silence***

For a moment I was obfuscated...I looked at her in dismay…She wanted to speak more…but, for some unknown reasons, she didnt…maybe she read the grimace on my face

Hmmmm… Now where did all that come from!!!… I really don’t know…but yes, I agree… off lately I have become quieter than I used to be…but to hell with that tirade!!! And what is this so called funda of “you-are-not-living-your- life” by the way?? I mean what did she mean by I am not living my life!!! I wanted to ask her but thought its better to let it go… in verbal duel with girls, its better to give up or to stay quiet…I prefer the latter…suddenly i lothed her...and wanted to wriggle out of the situation

I paid for the coffee bill and came back home…but her words were still ringing in my ears “I think you are not living life…you are just spending it”… is she right??…am I not living life??…am I just spending my days sauntering on this planet in search of some greater truth?? Ennui engulfed me..That’s what beautiful girls do to your mind…they have some kinda unknown God gifted power  to manipulate with it…and usually I don’t give a shit about what other people say to me…kind of imperturable...but this time I, don’t why, I couldn’t resist keeping her thoughts out of my mind…what if she’s right!!! What if I am just spending my life rather than “living” it… the thing that’s bothering me the most is that I know the answer… yeah!!! I know she is right…I am not living my life…I don’t know the idea of living life but I do know that sleeping for 15 hours, having a breakfast or dinner  and solving 6-7 quants problem a day isn’t what you’d call a “life”…but who is she to tell me this!!! I wanted curse her…but deep down inside I knew she was right…

hmmm…so here I am typing this absurd post…at 3 am in the morning…half asleep, half tipsy…but the question that still lingers in my mind is- “to LIVE or not to LIVE”…I need to think something about it…err…sorry…I need to DO something about it…pretty soon!!!