to LIVE or not to LIVE

She: “sometimes I think I don’t even know you…sometimes you seem like this totally different guy I don’t even know…there are times I see you smiling and laughing…throwing up random comments…mixed with your brilliant, at times weird,  sense of humor…laughing more to yourself than anyone else… “backchodi”…I guess this is what you call it in your Delhi’s language…right!!! and the very next moment…you are gone…you are quiet…suddenly you’ve become someone else…thinking profoundly about, I don’t know what…in brown study...all that recklessness and humor is gone…sometimes I think you are not living life…you are just spending it…”

***brief silence***

For a moment I was obfuscated...I looked at her in dismay…She wanted to speak more…but, for some unknown reasons, she didnt…maybe she read the grimace on my face

Hmmmm… Now where did all that come from!!!… I really don’t know…but yes, I agree… off lately I have become quieter than I used to be…but to hell with that tirade!!! And what is this so called funda of “you-are-not-living-your- life” by the way?? I mean what did she mean by I am not living my life!!! I wanted to ask her but thought its better to let it go… in verbal duel with girls, its better to give up or to stay quiet…I prefer the latter…suddenly i lothed her...and wanted to wriggle out of the situation

I paid for the coffee bill and came back home…but her words were still ringing in my ears “I think you are not living life…you are just spending it”… is she right??…am I not living life??…am I just spending my days sauntering on this planet in search of some greater truth?? Ennui engulfed me..That’s what beautiful girls do to your mind…they have some kinda unknown God gifted power  to manipulate with it…and usually I don’t give a shit about what other people say to me…kind of imperturable...but this time I, don’t why, I couldn’t resist keeping her thoughts out of my mind…what if she’s right!!! What if I am just spending my life rather than “living” it… the thing that’s bothering me the most is that I know the answer… yeah!!! I know she is right…I am not living my life…I don’t know the idea of living life but I do know that sleeping for 15 hours, having a breakfast or dinner  and solving 6-7 quants problem a day isn’t what you’d call a “life”…but who is she to tell me this!!! I wanted curse her…but deep down inside I knew she was right…

hmmm…so here I am typing this absurd post…at 3 am in the morning…half asleep, half tipsy…but the question that still lingers in my mind is- “to LIVE or not to LIVE”…I need to think something about it…err…sorry…I need to DO something about it…pretty soon!!! 

oh shit!! not again

hmmm...now i am seriously thinking about that "jinxed" thing...am i really jinxed!!! shit happens...i know...and it has happened again...the thing that I  feared the most and expected the least has happened...again...and that too on my b'day...and i have no one to blame but myself...yes, it was my fault...throughout...Maddie was right...he was always right...I always wait for the right moment...as if things will magically fell into place...but sad part is that there is no magic in real life...it only happens in book or Hogwarts...why am i like this?? all this experience is weighing me down...the problem must be in me...maybe i didn't push hard or may be i wasn't that confident or maybe i was scared of my decisions getting wrong...
anyways, such is life....the moment you think you have figured it out...it screws you...but you only learn from your mistakes...
all i can say is that, shit happens and life moves on!!!

p.s: i wont forget this b'day... ever!!

A letter to the God

Dear God,
It’s quite weird that I am writing a letter to you as you know I am an atheist…then, why am I writing a letter to someone who I believe doesn’t exist!!! Well, I don’t know the reason myself…maybe I am just too sick of talking with “real” people… or maybe because I don’t have anyone else to talk with me right now…whatever the reason, I am doing it….
I dunno where to start…its been a long time since we two have talked…I hope everything’s fine up there…I have never really written a letter to God before… My siblings used to write a letter to you when they were kid, praying for gifts or good marks or whatever they wanted…but, you know, I never did… although, I wasn’t an atheist then…I just didn’t like the idea of writing a letter to you just coz I wanted good grades or gifts…I believed I could get them myself… I just liked the idea of having faith in someone who nobody has ever seen…it was quite amazing…just like Harry Potter or Santa Clause…you know!!! Children like to believe in fantasies…

So, where did it all go wrong?? And why the heck did I break up with you?? I guess it was all just a part of growing up…coz slowly and steadily I began to realize that the stories that my grandma used to tell me about you were actually “stories”…my inquisitive mind started looking for the reasons… science told me that it’s the rotation of the earth that causes day and night not the seven horses of “Surya Devta”… it also alleges that it’s the Big Bang theory that created universe not you…(perils of growing, you see!!!) I guess, they are right…“ignorance is bliss”…and when my ignorance was lost I lost my faith in you…
But, now, I think I know why you exist…because you are another name of “faith”…faith, you see, is the most important ingredient for the existence life…without faith nothing can exist…neither science nor religion…people want to have faith in someone supreme…someone who they believe is more powerful than anyone else…and it’s the “faith” that gives them strength…I have seen that the people having strong faith deal with pain better than others… I still don’t believe in all those stories which I heard as a kid or the idols I see in temple … but I think there’s nothing wrong in having faith in “faith”… I am, kind of, liking the idea of having faith in some one again…even if that someone is as hypothetical as you…I tried it with “real” people but it sucks, as usual…most of them are crap…and sometimes I wonder why did you even create them…
So, as you have guessed it by now that it’s kind of a patch up letter… I hope you wont mind being friends again…and I know you wont coz you are so much like me...cant say NO to the ones you love
Hey, we are friends again…but it doesn’t mean that I am going to worship you or visit your temples…no formalities…we are gonna behave just like good friends do…I’ll just put up my problems in front of you…n you are gonna provide me the solutions :P …and if you have any problem, I’ll be more than happy to help you…

That’s all for today, sir…I’ll catch up with you some other day…tada 
Btw, I never really said this to you before but… thanx for creating me (if there was any role played by you in creating me)…it feels awesome to be me.
Goodnight

Your pal,
Shivam

Pyar Ke Side Effects

Though I never really had a break-up, (I was never really in a mutual relationship, so all my break ups were one sided), but I know the phases that follow a break-up…I've seen a lot of them

So here it is, for the rookies…the one’s who have never been in a relationship….mutual or otherwise…beware of “break-up”!!!!

Let’s see the phases that follow a break-up:

1)      the first few days are living hell…it seems like the sky has fallen and the world has come to an end…but as they say, this too shall pass away

2)      the next stage is called “mai sharabi hu”…yeah, you start scoring high on booze quotient…n nothing can stop you…u just try everything….beer, whisky, vodka, rum…whatever comes your way…so the bottomline is, ladki kuch kare na kare…she certainly contributes to your alcoholism :P

3)      when you have a break-up…you have all the time in the world to waste…n u utilize it to maximum…you watch movies, listen to some ultra sad songs, you sleep, you again watch movies, listen songs n again you go back to sleep…n the viscous circle continues…

4)      now, slowly and steadily you start believing that you can never get “her”…your sense enlightens…and you decide to live life to the fullest… you apparently start to enjoy life…you start studying hard to prove that you’re worth it…and ultimately it all ends pretty soon (c’mon how long can you fool yourself)

5)      Now this is a new one, “BREAK UP PARTY”!!! I have been to such parties…n believe me…its not that bad… (c’mon, free me khane ko mil raha hai, what else u want)

6)      Slowly and steadily you start mutating…you can either become a “joyless loner” and start living life in the dark or you become a “pervert swine” and start flirting with every single girl that comes your way…I’d prefer the later :P

7)      Next stage is called “coming-of-age”…you get to know your self like you had never known before…suddenly you realize the truth… you start believing you’ve had enough of love and want to do something important in life…you think you’ll be next Narayan Murthy or Bill Gates…n some actually end up being Mark Zuckerberg!!!!

8)      Finally, after all those epiphanies and self realization….something terrible happens…the moment you think you have figured it all…your life and your dreams, you find another girl…you fell in love…and sooner or later you break up…and this viscous circle starts all over again…

So…no matter how hard you try, you cant get out this pit once you’ve fallen in it…so, my advice is to stay away from this hell called relationship which ultimately leads to a break up…or you can always revert back to the “murphy’s law”, like I do :P

Free Will vs Destiny

Before you start reading, I just wanna ask one question…are you reading it on your free will or was it your destiny to read it???

Yup you are right… that’s the topic of this post… free will v/s destiny…I am a firm believer in free will…I have always believed that its our free will that drive us…that motivate us…that guides us to do things…its all about the free will… I mean who decides if I am gonna write this post!!! Its me…only me…I can continue to write it or I can just stop it here…but again, the question here is who’s gonna read it?? All I can do is write this stuff…that’s where my free will ends… I cant make sure that anyone’s gonna read it…o.k, now just for the sake, let’s assume that I persuade some of my friends to read it…but again I cant make them like it…its pretty uncertain if they’ll like it or they’ll despise it… and this unknown factor is what, I guess, people call destiny or luck… I am an atheist, and its pretty hard for me to believe in something unnatural… I don’t believe that something just happens…there gotta be some reason…and it’s the free will that makes “it” happen… unfortunately I cannot explain that unknown factor…but hell, I am sure there’s some reason behind it… I mean its pretty weird that we all are destined to do something in our life…but wouldn’t that be unfair!!!! If it was destined that somebody will die as a popper or if someone’s destined to be a king…if everything’s pre decided then what is the use of making an attempt or trying to get hold of something…you just need to sit there and it will come to you on its own, if it is in your destiny…I don’t believe that the nature is that unfair… it gives everyone equal chances to achieve their goals…some grab it…some don’t…yes I agree that maybe you’ll have to work harder than your peers to achieve the same things…that they got without any effort (say love, good looks or their father’s inheritance)…but in the end you can have it too, if you work hard…nature will provide you that prize, if you deserve it…now that’s bit ironical for me to speak coz I myself haven’t achieved something big in life…but I know that I haven’t made that effort either…I believe that I have wasted my talents and failed to push myself beyond the limits… there were times when gave up just when I was a step away from victory…and other times I was just sacred of success…I was afraid what that sudden success would do to me…hell, whatever the reason was I never actually used my free will to get what I wanted… I was dependent on luck… I was so sure that one day I would wake up and all my problems would just vanish away like this…I was waiting for a miracle…some kinda omen to show me the way… which obviously wasn’t there…

Maybe right now I am not making any sense to some of you… some of you might be thinking, who cares about free will or destiny…I just wanna live my life, but its one question that has fooled me for a long time now…and I guess I am gonna stick with free will

But still, its pretty hard to explain that “unkown factor”…and the supporters of destiny have their points to put as well… I guess, in the end its all about what you believe in…if it’s the destiny you believe in…or if it’s the free will you believe in…either of them can work for you…only if you believe

But seriously guys, do think about it…was it your free will to read this post or was it just your destiny???

THE HAPPINESS QUOTIENT

People say I talk negative… I write negative and maybe I dwell on negativity… and I agree no less…I mean I too am sick of writing those prosaic stuffs… writing those posts were meant to dump the shits out of my mind…a way to escape loneliness and boredom of life…but the more I tried to escape them the more I got strangled in the webs of life… alright!!! I agree that I have made some stupid decisions in my life…some real stupid and insane decisions… but hell, who doesn’t!!! That’s thing about the stupid decisions…everybody makes one…

And this time I am not gonna discuss about the theories of a jinxed life or about what more can get wrong in my life….no!!! this time I am just gonna relax and reflect back at the things that make me happy J

So here I go…

…I am happy whenever I pluck the strings of my guitar

…I am happy whenever I am with my friends (even with one good friend)…it’s like a blissful moment when I feel myself apart from all the worries and tensions of life…

…I am happy when I am with my family…

…I am happy whenever I solve a problem…either from my life or from my textbook

…I am happy whenever I read the story of a survivor…people who dared to think different and change the world…when the others thought they would end up as losers (Steve jobs, Lance Armstrong, Bill gates etc are some examples)

…I am happy whenever I walk in the rain…I love the drops of rain…it’s so reckless and free

…I am happy whenever I watch a good movie or listen to a good song

…I am happy whenever I see the sunrise (which obviously is a rare case…thanx to my abnormal sleeping habits)

…I am happy when I am drunk…coz then I DO things

…I am happy whenever I prove people wrong

…I am happy whenever I do things differently from others

…I am happy whenever I accomplish the job that I had set up to do

…I am happy whenever I am at my “bakchod” best… (ask my room mates) :P

…I am happy whenever I receive attention…yeah!!! I gotta admit it…I love attention ;)

…I am happy whenever I receiver “her” message…doesn’t matter if it’s a forwarded one

…I am happy whenever I break the rules

…and though it may seem strange….but I am happy when I am alone…not that I want to (I seriously hate lonliness) but it is the when I talk to myself and I get a chance to be real me

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I can go on and on and on… I mean there are millions of things that make me happy…so why not concentrate on the moments that make happy rather than those which make me sad… yeah!! That’s what I want to be…HAPPY…I won’t mind breaking rules…I wont mind getting drunk… I wont mind proving people wrong…I wont mind people calling me crazy or childish…n I wont mind being lonely… coz there’s nuthing wrong in doing or being anyone of them, if it makes me happy…

Wake me up when december ends!!!

Before I begin…let me tell you that its an another sad post…so if you don’t want to spoil your “happy happy” mood then please don’t read it…it might irritate you as to why I always write these kinda stuffs…so its for you to decide to read it or not.. and don’t blame me for putting these posts up coz I feel like writing only when I am sad… :X …whom am I saying this!!!...nobody reads my blog…(Shalini, you are an exception)

Enough gyan!!!

Life is  strange …… it has its own funny way of presenting things… things you never thought would happen in your life… things you  never thought you would do in million years…but they happen…and they change your life forever…

life never works according to the plan…it never has and it never will…everybody knows it…then why do we feel sad and depressed when our plans don’t work… strange it may sound but this is how life works… I am not complaining that it hasn’t worked for me again…its just that it always happens with me…and each time it hurts even more than before…I often wonder why its always me who is at the receiving end…Should I become numb to all emotions?? Am I a stupidly poignant person who just doesn’t know how to handle his feelings?? Am I an over desperate person?? Or may be I am just a jerk who is always at the wrong place at the wrong time!!!! Whatever,  I dunno… people often say that I am not mature enough that’s why I end up like in these situations… they say that I am still a kiddo… a child at heart… they think I am a callow…but I don’t think so… I mean yes…I do agree that my heart is a child…a part which refuses to grow up!!! but there’s a part of me that understand emotions and better than anyone else... there’s a part which is mature enough to understand people… a part that can read faces even with my eyes closed … a part which if, once, decides to achieve something, ends up achieving it… a part that nobody knows…a part that I don’t show to anyone… and those who know me well would know what I am talking about…

Nitish, my best buddy, always says that I don’t share my pains with anyone… I’ll just write some stupid blogs and grim poetries which nobody reads… I know a person reading this post wouldn’t agree but I am a very happy-go-lucky guy…always in that usual gala mood… but when it comes to that “sad version” of me, I myself don’t know as to why don’t share or tell anyone about my feelings…maybe this is why my pain intensifies…but, this is how I have always been…and I cant change overnight…but someday I will…I’ll have to… a lot of things has to be changed now…and I guess, I need the change…as I said, some incidents change your life forever… may be its the time to change mine…

And I know that my loved one’s will always be there for me…and for my support…and though there are only few people who really love and care for me…I don’t mind the number…as long as they love me…and it includes you too…if you have read this post till the end…coz only a loved one will put aside his ego and stand there beside you in spite of all your imperfections…in spite of all your failures… in spite of all your mistakes…

Thanx for bearing with me :) I hope that the change will bring good to me…

P.S: please don’t ask me the reasons for this post… you know, I won’t tell…