to LIVE or not to LIVE

She: “sometimes I think I don’t even know you…sometimes you seem like this totally different guy I don’t even know…there are times I see you smiling and laughing…throwing up random comments…mixed with your brilliant, at times weird,  sense of humor…laughing more to yourself than anyone else… “backchodi”…I guess this is what you call it in your Delhi’s language…right!!! and the very next moment…you are gone…you are quiet…suddenly you’ve become someone else…thinking profoundly about, I don’t know what…in brown study...all that recklessness and humor is gone…sometimes I think you are not living life…you are just spending it…”

***brief silence***

For a moment I was obfuscated...I looked at her in dismay…She wanted to speak more…but, for some unknown reasons, she didnt…maybe she read the grimace on my face

Hmmmm… Now where did all that come from!!!… I really don’t know…but yes, I agree… off lately I have become quieter than I used to be…but to hell with that tirade!!! And what is this so called funda of “you-are-not-living-your- life” by the way?? I mean what did she mean by I am not living my life!!! I wanted to ask her but thought its better to let it go… in verbal duel with girls, its better to give up or to stay quiet…I prefer the latter…suddenly i lothed her...and wanted to wriggle out of the situation

I paid for the coffee bill and came back home…but her words were still ringing in my ears “I think you are not living life…you are just spending it”… is she right??…am I not living life??…am I just spending my days sauntering on this planet in search of some greater truth?? Ennui engulfed me..That’s what beautiful girls do to your mind…they have some kinda unknown God gifted power  to manipulate with it…and usually I don’t give a shit about what other people say to me…kind of imperturable...but this time I, don’t why, I couldn’t resist keeping her thoughts out of my mind…what if she’s right!!! What if I am just spending my life rather than “living” it… the thing that’s bothering me the most is that I know the answer… yeah!!! I know she is right…I am not living my life…I don’t know the idea of living life but I do know that sleeping for 15 hours, having a breakfast or dinner  and solving 6-7 quants problem a day isn’t what you’d call a “life”…but who is she to tell me this!!! I wanted curse her…but deep down inside I knew she was right…

hmmm…so here I am typing this absurd post…at 3 am in the morning…half asleep, half tipsy…but the question that still lingers in my mind is- “to LIVE or not to LIVE”…I need to think something about it…err…sorry…I need to DO something about it…pretty soon!!!